Amanda Serna's Love & Relationship Advice Articles
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RELATIONSHIP ADVICE
An Unexpected Way To Win Him Back
Posted on October 18, 2022
Having a relationship with the man of your dreams has made it possible for you to breathe a sigh of relief and šĀ not have to worry about dating again. When aren’t so great anymore, and he distances himself, have you ever wondered whether that is the same man? And it feels like your entire world is falling apart?
For those of us who have experienced this, you’ve probably had the same thought as the rest of us: “I want my HIM back.” To put it another way, he put forth the effort to earn your trust and demonstrate his value to you. Then, all of the sudden, he does things like “take a break” from the relationship, become emotionally distant or disinterested, or āwants some space.āĀ
You start creating all kinds of excuses for his bad, distant behavior: āheās stressed from work,ā āhe has a lot on his plate with his family,ā or āthings will get back to normal soon.ā
How do I know this? Iād slipped into the same trap with my live-in-boyfriend.
The funny part was, I didnāt even realize my self-esteem was on the floor, but I kept thinking what could I do to make it better. I started to try to please him and make him feel better while totally ignoring the fact that he hadnāt made a single effort to try to please me in weeks!
I felt locked in because I lived š”with him. I had to make it work with this guy. He loved me well before, why couldnāt he just go back to doing that again.Ā
When I wasnāt trying to please him, I was just waiting in absolute AGANOY for it to get better. I kept pretending to be āokayā and like I didnāt need anything from him. I was faking it and hiding my feelings. It didnāt get better. It only got worse.
It wasnāt until I started getting into my body, identifying my feelings, and then COMMUNICATING those true feelings that I started to get the love I deserved from my partner.
So, how can you reclaim your loveā¦ exactly? You MUST first get yourself back. You have to claim and communicate your feelings – yes, even the āugly onesā of anger and sadness. Let me tell you how.
Tap into your š” anger to understand itā¦
First things first: If you’ve been settling for less than you deserve in a relationship, it’s time to change your patterns. The fury you feel when you put up with substandard treatment from a man builds up over time. This is interpreted by you as being wounded by what your partner says or does, but in fact, you are upset with yourself for accepting bad treatment in the first place or because you became sexually exclusive with a man before he offered you the commitment you sought.
Before you can get your man back, you need to deal with the anger you’re feeling since it could be causing a rift in your relationship. If you don’t get rid of it, it will fester inside of you.
So What’s the secret? š¤«
Having compassion for yourself and your feelings.
Place your hands on your heart and sense what’s going on inside of you right now. Then give a name to that emotion. Are you happy, sad, or angry? More intimacy with a man comes from being able to identify and control your feelings. Why? In part because men are pleased when they meet a woman who has the capacity to feel her feelings without being overly dramatic or out of control.
Methods that work
The funny thing about doing internal work to reinforce your feelings of worthiness is that the work is never really done. We must find methods that work and return to practice them during times of stress or turmoil. I thought Iād dealt with all of the childhood trauma and the coping mechanisms Iād developed to surviveā¦ and I was shocked š¦when all of those negative emotions resurfaced in my new relationship.Ā
As the saying goes: ādeal with your childhood trauma, otherwise your romantic relationships will.āĀ
āBut Iāve already done my trauma work!ā I exclaimed to my resurfacing protective instincts.
To survive as a child in a divorced and turbulent household, Iād developed a hard outer shell to protect myself, but really I was so soft and weak on the inside. I call this my šµdesert cactus phase – pre-wild š»sunflower phase.Ā
I had this āanything you can do I can do bleedingā mentality when I encountered men. It was like I was trying out-man them. Iād felt that over the centuries, men had been so callous to women and because of it we women were mistreated. I took up a flag, planted it in the ground, and declared ānot me.āĀ
And so what could men do but treat me like I was tough just like them.
As far as they were concerned, I would go if I wasn’t content with the way they handled me. It was a complete lie! How could I demand that they treat me properly if I didn’t know how to treat myself? That’s when it dawned on me that I had to learn to be kind to myself. Getting your man back is important, but so is maintaining a tight and connected relationship with him and how can you have this if you arenāt maintaining it with yourself.
The first step is to accept yourself as you are, including the bits you don’t like. When I began to embrace my jelliness on the inside and allow others to see me as I truly am, an amazing thing unfolded. Inwardly, I grew more truly confident on the inside and not just the outside.Ā
And you will too. You’ll learn to pay more attention to your own needs rather than constantly focusing on him. Another amazing thing happens when you do that: he becomes sensitive to YOU. There will be a renewed desire to pursue you even though things appear to be extremely distant at the moment.
So, if you want your boyfriend or husband back, stop what you’re doing. Find methods and practices that make you strong on the INSIDE, not the outside. This is the only way to get him back. Get to know the deepest parts of yourself and love the shit out of them. If you want my help with this, I have TONS of exercises in my book How to Make Men Chase You.
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