Amanda Serna's Love Advice Articles

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Is It Space He Needs? Or Is He Afraid of Intimacy? Find Out In 5 Steps

Posted on October 18, 2022

Sometimes, it seems that things are going well between you and your guy….

While on the other hand, it’s not uncommon for him to feel distant or indifferent at other times.

Unlike you, he does not appear to place the same value on your connection as you do.

Despite your best efforts, he doesn’t reveal much about his innermost thoughts and feelings…

He doesn’t seem ready to date, and you’re not sure whether his lack of interest stems from a lack of emotional availability or a fear of being intimate.

You feel as if he doesn’t understand how much anguish he’s causing you by keeping a distance from you. It’s hard to understand how he can appear so carefree and unattached when you have such a deep and emotional relationship.

All men “🪃bommerang” at some point in their lives.

He’ll be “all over you” one minute, then distant the next, as if he’s terrified of getting close to you.

His thoughts may be occupied with something unrelated to you, or he may simply need some time apart from you to get his bearings back.

Men and women alike may require a period of “regrouping” to restore their equilibrium. Just like us, men can be thrown off just as easily. Underneath it all, we are all just people!

When he 🪃bommerangs, though, what we do makes all the difference.

You vs. Him: What You're Looking For…

A woman’s natural tendency is to find closure when we feel insecure in our relationship…  We tend to want to 🗣️”talk” things out with men, we want more tenderness, and we want solutions that will help us feel better.

When we begin to doubt the stability of our relationships, we want reassurance that everything will be alright in the future. We actually make things worse when our fears are brought out in this way. (I’ll explain why this is a bad idea later in this article!)

When it comes to men, they prefer to curl up in a ball, focus on work or go on an alone weekend away from the rest of the world!

A guy who needs a little time off or a person who is completely inconsistent and unpredictable are both situations where you need to take care of yourself and communicate with him in ways that work – and find out if you should keep him or let him go.

Learn to stand up for yourself to get what you want…

Make an effort to express your emotions instead of ignoring or suppressing them. Practice the following steps to train yourself on how to express yourself:


1. Pause ✊

The first step to powerful communication with a man is to get to know him. Pausing and becoming aware of your feelings is all you’re looking for at this point.

Are you angry? Do you resent him? Frustrated? Maybe even insecure and feeling a disconnection in your relationship?

Don’t judge yourself for how you’re feeling – just be aware of it. Even the unpleasant ones we don’t like are a clue from your feelings. They want to be noticed. Just like you might do with an anxious child, you want to be present for them rather than disregard it or make it incorrect.

Make sure you don’t bury your feelings, don’t disregard them, and don’t feel awful for having them. The same goes for emotional reactions, as well. For the time being, let’s simply take a breather.


2. Go through your thoughts one by one ☝️

Suppose a man calls you at the last minute to see whether you’re still interested in going out on a date with him, despite failing to phone you for the past two days as he had promised. Because he didn’t call, you’re not sure whether to tell him you’re busy and won’t be able to make the date or whether to put up a brave front and go out with him anyway despite being upset with him.

You can practice tracking your thoughts by writing them down in a tiny journal whenever you notice them. Using the left side of each sheet, draw a horizontal line from top to bottom and write your thoughts on the right side of the page. Write down all of your thoughts, including the ones that make you furious or that make you nervous to upset. Now…


3. Assess your body 🧘‍♀️

“Check in” with yourself and see where you’re putting your stress. Check in with your belly, shoulders, jaws, pelvis, and legs – your entire body, not just one or two. When you feel tightness in a particular area of your body, simply try and release the tension from it.

Putting your palm right on the spot where your shoulder, chest, or belly is can be a terrific approach to do this. When you keep your hand on that part of your body, it relaxes naturally. To “relax” your entire body at once is difficult — and I hate it when people ask — but you’ll quickly learn how simple it is to do so in small “bits” all over your body. 

Take note of the tension from your belly to your shoulder or your shoulder to your thigh. Follow it and note where it goes next. While performing the physical exam, take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale slowly through your mouth.


4. Convert your thoughts to feelings ↔️

Go to the notes you made earlier on the left side of the paper.   Transform them into feelings on the right side of your paper. This is what it might appear like:

A question you may have asked yourself on the left is “Why didn’t he call me?” And you can translate this to, “I felt irrelevant when you didn’t call me.”

Alternatively, you could have written, “You could have just told me you were going to be late instead of keeping me waiting for so long!” – and substitute “I get so frustrated waiting” or “I feel so impatient when I’m waiting.”

Do you now see how you can convert your thoughts to feelings?

I didn’t have to put the blame on him.

Simply because it has nothing to do with him or his actions. There is nothing more important than your reaction to him and to his actions when you are in the presence of his behavior.

Or to put it another way, it’s about you! And how you’re feeling! He needs to know that, and that’s what you need to tell him. Do it in a way that doesn’t make him feel “wrong.” Whatever the case may be.

It’s important for men to know how their actions (or inactions) affect you emotionally. With open and honest communication, you may help him better understand how his inappropriate behavior affects you and encourage him to do better.

That way, you may test him out to see if your wants can be met while still showing him that you care about him. He’s a keeper if he respects your feelings and takes action to make you happy.

On the other hand, if he can’t handle your feelings, won’t change his conduct, is too defensive, or puts the blame on YOU, get rid of him and save yourself weeks of heartache ❤️‍🩹. That is time you would have spent working on yourself.

Just a couple more ways you can express yourself to him:

Say :

I don’t understand what is happening. I feel confused. What do you think we should do?

or :

I feel disappointed and sad when XYZ happens…

Instead of:

How could you possibly have forgotten about our plans? I hope you had a good time last night out with your friends!

Do you see what we did there?

5. You don’t always have to be the one who’s right

In what ways may you benefit from obsessing about always being right? Of course, you’re right, after all! It’s safe to say that you’re also furious! And I’m sure you’re still irritated by this. Because, you know, he’s the one who did that horrific act! What gives him the right to deny that he did anything wrong?

However, he is not the focus of the real question. In the end, the question isn’t whether or not you’ll be right, but whether or not you’ll be loved in the process. Because your love life can be transformed in an instant if you can let go of all the “right-ness.”

Expressing your TRUE feelings in this manner is the best approach to honor your own sense of what is “correct” and convey this to others. Then let’s get rid of the notion that he is ‘wrong’ Because it’s possible that he didn’t realize how his terrible behavior was impacting you.

Every stage of a person’s dating life is a learning experience… you might as well do it together!


What you say makes all the difference…

When you stop making him wrong, berating him, whining, or telling him what he should have done or should do, he’ll calm down and stop blaming himself. He’ll unwind like he’s never let himself unwind before with anyone. When he’s not defending himself, he’ll instantly relax. Moreover, we’ve all seen what men do when they’re on the defensive:

When we think we’re just “letting him know” how dreadful he makes us feel, we’re doing it in all the wrong ways. Try this 5-step technique the next time you’re tempted to keep your sentiments to yourself or attack him.

A deeper understanding of your own feelings can lead to more true closeness with your partner as a result of this process!

For women, learning to express themselves and their feelings more openly will empower them. Remind yourself that our feminine power lies in the emotional world!

Expressing yourself in this manner might lead to an intimate relationship with the person you love, who will be eager to do whatever to make your life better!

It was a profound epiphany for me, and for many women, I’ve worked with over the years, that this simple shift in awareness led. And it’s a great spot to get started right now.

I have a lot more to tell you in my 💌love newsletter if you just sign up.  You don’t have to go through the many years of relationship turmoil that I went through. That’s why I’m here.

Women should be empowered to enjoy dating and relationships, be deeply satisfied in relationships and attract a man who is committed to them. This has been my life’s aim. To share these techniques with you.

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